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Your #Career : #Networking – Do These 5 #EmotionallyIntelligent Things Within 5 Minutes Of Meeting Someone…Being instantly Likable isn’t Rocket Science, But this Checklist takes Practice to Master in the Short Space of a First Impression.

June 11, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

What’s the point of networking if not to get other people to like you? Sure, you need new contacts to see you as interesting, competent, professional, and potentially valuable to them—but if they don’t also find you likable, nobody will feel motivated to reach out later and work with you.

The reason why all comes down to emotional intelligence, the set of skills and qualities that allow people to form deeper, closer relationships with others. Likability is a key ingredient in that, and its career benefits are pretty obvious. For instance, being likable—and liking your coworkers in return—can increase your chances of getting promoted.

But when it comes to first impressions, you don’t always have much time to get people to like you. So here are a few straightforward things that the most emotionally intelligent people do to cement their likability from the get-go:

1. SHOW GENUINE ENTHUSIASM FOR MEETING

Especially in business contexts, some people’s demeanors while making introductions are terse and serious. That might feel formal and “appropriate,” but it’s not always the most emotionally intelligent thing to do. Neither is laying it on thick with a forced grin and over-the-top proclamations about how absolutely wonderful it is to meet.

Just be natural. Pretend you’re meeting a sibling’s new significant other at a social occasion. Give your best, authentic smile. Open up your posture so your legs are at a wide stance but you’re relaxed. Make eye contact, offer a firm handshake. It’s that easy.

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2. OFFER A COMPLIMENT

If you notice something about the person you’ve just met that you can compliment them about, do it right away. Maybe there’s a recent accomplishment you’re aware of that you could mention. If not, ask a question or two that can lead to information you can later compliment them on.

So treat the first five minutes after meeting somebody as a silent quiz session: Pretend you’re being tested to see how much you can find out about the new acquaintance—that when five minutes are up, you’ll have to write an essay about everything you’ve just learned, and the more information you include, the higher your score.

3. ASK AT LEAST TWO OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Conversations often die quickly or turn into monologues when they aren’t propelled forward by good questions. When someone starts talking about something they enjoy, use that as an opening to ask more: “How did you get into that?” “What do you like most about it?” Since it’s something they’re clearly dying to talk about it, don’t just ask yes/no or simple factual questions that might cut off their chance to really dig into it.

Aim for at least two open-ended questions within the first few minutes of striking up a chat with somebody you’ve just met. That should be enough to get a good, in-depth conversation going. On a subconscious level, you’ll quickly become somebody they remember liking and will want to be around.

4. FIND SOMETHING YOU SHARE

Have you ever spoken with someone and found them distracted, glancing around the room or maybe maybe fiddling with their phone while you were speaking? If you did, there’s a slim chance you came away really liking them afterward. In order to make someone feel like they’re getting your full attention, you obviously need to focus on them exclusively. But you also have to find an interest or belief you both share.

The most emotionally intelligent people know that it’s easiest to connect with people they’ve found something in common with. These commonalities might not always be obvious, though; you have to look for them. For example, there’s a really experienced runner who works out at my gym, and we often have a chance to chat. Since I personally have zero interest in running, there wouldn’t seem to be common ground for a meaningful conversation beyond, “Good to see you again, how’s your week going?” But since most people like food, I once asked him what he eats before a major long-distance run. It gave us something in common to talk about.

These conversational openings are really simple but not always obvious right away just after meeting someone. Pay attention to what makes somebody light up, become more animated, and sit up straight. These little cues are easy to catch early on in your conversation, and they can make for great opportunities to quickly find commonalities, passions, and ideas to talk about in those crucial few minutes while we’re forming first impressions.

5. SAY THEIR NAME BEFORE YOU LEAVE, AND COMMIT KEY FACTS TO MEMORY

Everybody loves the sound of their own name. Say it when you first meet someone; then sprinkle it throughout the conversation whenever you get the chance. At a minimum, make sure to say their name when you’re about to leave: “Really great meeting you, Shareen.” “Thanks for chatting, Kyle, let’s be in touch.”

Finally, emotionally intelligent people reinforce the likability they’ve banked during first impressions by remembering a few key details later on. The names of a new acquaintance’s partner, kids, even the pets they have or that vacation recommendation they shared—that’s all useful information to refer back to the next time you see them. It’ll help you stand out in their memory, and make them look forward to connecting with you again—because for some reason or other, they find that they just like you.

FastCompany.com | July 18, 2017

#Leadership : 5 #EmotionallyIntelligent Habits For Handling Work Frustrations…It’s All About What you Do in the Moment–and Don’t Do.

May 4, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Unless you lack basic social skills, it’s hard to imagine getting in trouble for expressing positive feelings at work. Sharing enthusiasm and encouragement is usually beneficial to everyone around you. It’s the feelings on the other end of the spectrum that most of us struggle with. We’ve all gotten frustrated or overwhelmed at work.

Maybe someone less qualified gets a promotion you worked hard to earn. Or a coworker takes credit for something you did. The slackers on your team land a major project opportunity, despite the countless hours you spent working on the proposal. Or worse, the idea you submit gets rejected and criticized. These situations will make even the most even-tempered people feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, resentful, and afraid. But it’s not the situations themselves that make or break us, it’s how we respond to them. And that just takes practice. Here are five emotionally intelligent habits that can help you keep your cool.

1. WAIT TO REACT

Obviously, it’s not that easy. We feel before we think. But even a couple seconds’ buffer can make a huge difference. If you can practice giving yourself just a short moment to think about your reaction, you can gain a lot more control over what happens next. We all know people whose angry outburst has cost them their goodwill, promotions, and career opportunities, and have generally held them back in life.

Feeling a strong emotion of any kind should send you a cue: I need a second to think. If you have to remove yourself from a situation temporarily, do it. The crucial first step is simply noticing those negative feelings early enough to decide not to react just yet.

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2. NAME THE FEELING

This is the logical next step. Being able to name how you’re feeling takes away some of the power our most unpleasant emotions have over us. Describing a feeling gives you some distance from it, allowing you more clarity. And chances are you can assign a name to the experience you’re having more quickly than you can choose the right response to it.

3. SHARE HOW YOU FEEL WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN BE OBJECTIVE

The worst thing to do is commiserate with others who hold the same grievances you do–the colleagues who will share in and urge you to hold onto your negativity. Misery loves company. While indulging in it may feel good at the time, it isn’t productive and will keep you stuck in a vicious cycle. The more emotionally intelligent approach is to find someone who’s a great listener and removed enough from the situation to offer an unbiased objective point of view. This is usually someone who has no stake in the circumstances one way or another. When explaining what happened, try to share only the data, not your opinions or feelings.

4. REFLECT ON THE SITUATION LIKE AN OUTSIDE OBSERVER

Try to look at the situation from someone on the outside looking in. Make an honest attempt to try and see things from the perspective of everyone involved. Suspend judgment if you can, and come up with as many possible explanations for what occurred as you can think of–no matter how unlikely they might seem.

This exercise is difficult, but it can help you identify alternative explanations for the situation that’s made you so upset. The tough question is, “What was my part in this–both the positive and the negative?” There may be valuable learnings in this, but at the very least, this habit gives you some time to cool off and redirect your frustration somewhere else.

5. IMAGINE IT’S ONE YEAR LATER

Ask yourself how much this will matter to you one year, five years, or 10 years from now. Consider your long-term goals and plans and think about how this all fits in with where you want to be in the future. Is this really a battle worth fighting, or will it serve you better in the long run to let it go and move on? What will be the likely outcomes of the choices you make from this point on, and how will they help or hinder you?

Feeling upset may seem like something that happens to you–an onrush of negative emotions that you can’t control. But by practicing these techniques, you may begin to see that you still have a choice: You can’t prevent yourself from feeling aggravated, but you can often control what you do about it.

FastCompany.com | May 4, 2018 | BY HARVEY DEUTSCHENDORF 3 MINUTE READ

Your #Career : Do This To Write A More #EmotionallyIntelligent #LinkedInProfile ….Don’t just List Out Skills Associated with Emotional Intelligence. Here’s How to Adapt a Technique from Psychology to appear More Approachable on LinkedIn.

March 19, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

LinkedIn is a great place to network and look for jobs, but a lot of people’s profiles feel stiff and standoffish–at least compared with other social media platforms. We talk all the time about the rising value of emotional intelligence in the workforce, and there’s lots of advice on how to show it off on a job interview.

But that doesn’t often carry over to LinkedIn, which often just presents a litany of information about people’s accomplishments: what they’ve done, which jobs they’ve worked, the schools they’ve attended. It’s hard to get a sense of who they are. Ideally, your LinkedIn account should be just as good at making interpersonal connections as you are in real life. Here’s how to get that to happen.

TWO WAYS TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF

Some of the challenge here is LinkedIn’s format. The easiest things to add to your profile are straightforward data like your employment and education history. Sections like your “Headline” and “Summary” are harder to fill in, because it’s not always clear what you’re supposed to say about yourself.

It’s true that you’ll want to use keywords so recruiters and hiring managers can find you, but it’s also crucial to simply appear personable. And to do that, it helps to understand some of the psychology around how people define themselves. Researchers on self-concept have found that we typically use two distinct modes, called “self-construals.”

An “independent self-construal” involves defining your sense of self in terms of the qualities you possess without reference to other people. If you describe yourself as smart, a hard worker, or someone who gets things done, then you’re focusing on independent properties–the stuff that has to do with just you. With an “interdependent self-construal,” on the other hand, you define yourself according to the qualities that do refer to others. If your self-concept prominently includes your role as a parent, then you’re prioritizing your relationship with your kids. If you describe yourself as a mentor, then your sense of self arises from your experiences interacting with them.

If you look at many LinkedIn profiles (my own included), some will be heavier on independent self-construals than interdependent ones, and vice versa. One isn’t necessarily “better” than the other in every context; some cultures (both within a given organization and across entire societies) lean more individualist than collectivist, so what flies in one environment may weigh you down in another. And in a more in individualistic culture, researchers have found that people are more prone to independent self-construals. Generally speaking, though, if you describe yourself in more interdependent terms, then other people will likely feel more welcomed by you.

It’s pretty intuitive, really: If you include your reader in part of the self-construal you present on LinkedIn, they’ll have a better chance of seeing how they can relate to you.

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REVERSE-ENGINEERING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT LINKEDIN PROFILE

How do you actually put this into practice? Work backwards.

For decades, psychologists have used the so-called “Twenty Statements Test,” one of a few leading instruments to assessing people’s self-concepts. It’s extremely simple: The test requires you to come up with 20 different answers to the question, “Who am I?” Instead of answering this question generally, though, answer it for your work-self–that is, “Who am I at work?”

Chances are many of the descriptions you come up with for yourself are independent, but you’ll probably also hit upon a few that are interdependent as well. Now go back through your list and see if there are ways of turning some of the independent descriptors you used into interdependent ones: How does this skill or attribute you possess help or relate to that other person?

This exercise can leave you with a richer, more conversational means of describing yourself than just listing out the job skills associated with emotional intelligence. As you rewrite your headline, summary, and other sections on LinkedIn, hang onto that interdependent mind-set. It’ll make you seem more approachable and worth connecting with.

FastCompany.com | March 19, 2018 | BY ART MARKMAN 3 MINUTE READ

#Leadership : 7 Incredible Things That Happen Once You Learn To Enjoy Being Alone…Everyone Benefits from Solitude. Take the Opportunity this Week to Spend Some Time Alone.

August 16, 2016/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

We live in a world of constant contact—a place that’s losing sight of the importance of being alone. Offices are abandoning cubicles in favor of shared desks and wide-open common spaces, and rather than sitting at their desks working independently, school children are placed in groups. It seems that a never-ending “ping” has become our culture’s omnipresent background noise, instantly informing us of every text, tweet, and notification. Even something as mundane as cooking dinner has become worthy of social sharing.

One result of all this social connection is that many of us rarely have any time alone. While we’re told that this connectivity is a good thing and that being around other people is necessary for a fulfilled life, you can certainly have too much of a good thing.

“All men’s misfortunes spring from their hatred of being alone.” – Jean de la Bruyere

A study of 600 computer programmers at 92 companies found that while productivity levels were relatively stable within each company, they varied greatly from one company to the next. The more productive companies had one thing in common: they ditched the ultra-hip open office in favor of private work spaces that granted freedom from interruptions. Of the top performers, 62% said they had adequate privacy at work, while only 19% of the worst performers shared that opinion. And, among the low performers, 76% said they were often unnecessarily interrupted.

Solitude isn’t just a professional plus; it’s also good for your mental and emotional well-being. To get the most out of life, you must learn to enjoy spending time alone. The benefits of solitude are too numerous to catalog, but here are some of the best.

1. You recuperate and recharge. All of us—even the hopeless extroverts among us—need time to recuperate and recharge. There’s nothing like spending time alone to make this happen. The peace, quiet, and mental solitude you experience when you’re by yourself are essential to recovering from the stresses of daily living.

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2. You can do what you want. As fun as it is to spend time with other people, it inevitably leads to compromise. You’re constantly modifying your ideas to accommodate other people’s desires and opinions. Being alone frees you up to do exactly what you want when you want. You can throw on whatever you feel like wearing, eat what you feel like eating, and work on projects that are meaningful to you.

3. You learn to trust yourself. Freedom is more than doing what you want; it’s the ability to trust your gut and to think clearly, without any pressure or outside influence. Being alone helps you form a clear understanding of who you are, what you know, and what’s right for you. It teaches you to trust yourself. When around others, even when you don’t realize it, you monitor people’s reactions in order to gauge the appropriateness of your own feelings and actions. When you’re alone, it’s all on you. You develop your own ideas and opinions, without having them watered down by what anyone else thinks. Once you learn to enjoy being alone, you’ll discover what you’re truly capable of, without the constraints of other people’s thinking.

4. It increases your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships. TalentSmart has tested more than a million people and found that 90% of top performers are high in EQ. Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence, and you can’t increase your EQ without it. Since self-awareness requires understanding your emotions and how you react to various people and situations, this necessitates careful self-reflection, and self-reflection happens best when you’re alone.

5. It boosts your self-esteem. Enjoying your own company is a huge confidence booster. If you’re bored and restless when you’re by yourself, it’s easy to start thinking that you’re boring or that you need other people around to enjoy yourself. Learning to enjoy time alone boosts your self-esteem by confirming that you are enough.

6. You appreciate other people more. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Time alone lets you see people in a whole new light, and it helps you to develop a renewed sense of gratitude for who they are and what they do.

7. You get more done. It’s said that “more hands make light work,” and while that might be true when it comes to raking leaves, it’s a completely different story with cognitive tasks. Even the effectiveness of brainstorming is more myth than reality. Researchers from Texas A&M found that group brainstorming hinders productivity due to “cognitive fixation.” Cognitive fixation is the tendency for people working in groups to get stuck on other people’s ideas, reducing their ability to come up with anything new, and the bigger the group, the more fixated everyone becomes. Spending time alone not only eliminates distractions but also ensures that you don’t have trouble with “too many cooks.”

Bringing It All Together

Everyone benefits from solitude. Take the opportunity this week to spend some time alone.

What does spending time alone do for you? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

Forbes.com | August 16, 2016 | Travis Bradberry

#Leadership : 12 Habits That Set Ultra Successful People Apart…These Habits Can Make Any of Us More Successful If We Use them Every Day. Give Them a Try & See Where They Take You.

September 22, 2015/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Ultra successful people delight themselves by blowing their personal goals out of the water. They succeed along many different dimensions of life—their friendships, their physical and mental health, their families, and their jobs (which they are not only good at but also enjoy).

TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that ultra successful people have a lot in common. In particular, 90% of them are skilled at managing their emotions in order to stay focused, calm, and productive.

These super successful folks have high emotional intelligence (EQ), a quality that’s critical to achieving your dreams.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that ultra successful people employ to reach their goals, what follows are twelve of the best. Some of these may seem obvious, but the real challenge lies in recognizing when you need to use them and having the wherewithal to actually do so.

1. They’re Composed

Ultra successful people are composed because they constantly monitor their emotions, they understand them, and they use this knowledge in the moment to react to challenging situations with self-control. When things go downhill, they are persistently calm and frustratingly content (frustrating to those who aren’t, at least). They know that no matter how good or bad things get, everything changes with time. All they can do is adapt and adjust to stay happy and in control.

2. They’re Knowledgeable

Super successful people know more than others do because they’re constantly working to increase their self-awareness. They vow constant growth. Whenever they have a spare moment, they fill it with self-education. They don’t do this because it’s “the right thing to do”; they do it because it’s their passion. They’re always looking for opportunities to improve and new things to learn about themselves and the world around them. Instead of succumbing to their fear of looking stupid, truly exceptional people just ask the questions on their mind, because they would rather learn something new than appear smart.

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3. They’re Deliberate

Ultra successful people reach decisions by thinking things out, seeking advice from others, and sleeping on it. They know that (as studies show) impulsively relying too much on gut-instinct is ineffective and misleading. Being able to slow down and logically think things through makes all the difference.

4. They Speak with Certainty

It’s rare to hear super successful people utter things like “Um,” “I’m not sure,” and “I think.” Successful people speak assertively because they know that it’s difficult to get people to listen to you if you can’t deliver your ideas with conviction.

5. They Use Positive Body Language

Becoming cognizant of your gestures, expressions, and tone of voice (and making certain they’re positive) draws people to you like ants to a picnic. Using an enthusiastic tone, uncrossing your arms, maintaining eye contact, and leaning towards the person who’s speaking are all forms of positive body language that super successful people use to draw others in. Positive body language makes all the difference in a conversation because how you say something can be more important than what you say.

6. They Leave a Strong First Impression

Research shows that most people decide whether or not they like you within the first seven seconds of meeting you. They then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their initial reaction. This may sound terrifying, but by knowing this, you can take advantage of it to make huge gains in how people respond to you. First impressions are tied intimately to positive body language. A strong posture, a firm handshake, a smile, and open shoulders help ensure that your first impression is a good one.

7. They Seek Out Small Victories

Successful people like to challenge themselves and compete, even when their efforts yield only small victories. Small victories build new androgen receptors in the areas of the brain responsible for reward and motivation. The increase in androgen receptors increases the influence of testosterone, which further increases their confidence and eagerness to tackle future challenges. When you achieve a series of small victories, the boost in your confidence can last for months.

8. They’re Fearless

Fear is nothing more than a lingering emotion that’s fueled by your imagination.Danger is real. It’s the uncomfortable rush of adrenaline you get when you almost step in front of a bus. Fear is a choice. Exceptional people know this better than anyone does, so they flip fear on its head. Instead of letting fear take over, they are addicted to the euphoric feeling they get from conquering their fears.

9. They’re Graceful

Graceful people are the perfect combination of strong and gentle. They don’t resort to intimidation, anger, or manipulation to get a point across because their gentle, self-assured nature gets the job done. The word gentle often carries a negative connotation (especially in the workplace), but in reality, it’s the gentleness of being graceful that gives ultra successful people their power. They’re approachable, likeable, and easy to get along with—all qualities that make people highly amenable to their ideas.

10. They’re Honest

Super successful people trust that honesty and integrity, though painful at times, always work out for the best in the long run. They know that honesty allows for genuine connections with people in a way that dishonesty can’t and that lying always comes back to bite you in the end. In fact, a Notre Dame study showed that people who often lied experienced more mental health problems than their more honest counterparts.

11. They’re Grateful

Ultra successful people know that it took a lot of ambition, passion, and hard work to get where they are in life. They also know that their mentors, colleagues, families, and friends all played a huge role in their success. Instead of basking in the glory of achievement, super successful people recognize others for the wonderful things they’ve done for them.

12. They’re Appreciative

Truly exceptional people are able to achieve so much because they know the importance of slowing down and appreciating everything they already have. They know that a huge amount of their positivity, grit, and motivation comes from their ability to stay grounded and appreciate the opportunities that life has given them thus far.

Bringing It All Together

These habits can make any of us more successful if we use them every day. Give them a try and see where they take you.

What other habits set ultra successful people apart? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

Travis co-wrote the bestselling book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and co-foundedTalentSmart, the world’s #1 provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving 75% of Fortune 500 Companies.

Forbes.com | September 22, 2015 | Travis Bradberry

#Leadership : Please Stop Saying These 25 Ridiculous Phrases At Work…These Phrases are Spicy & they Make you Feel Clever (Low Hanging Fruit is a crutch of mine), but They also Annoy the Hell Out of People.

July 29, 2015/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Stop It! Listen Ray, I don’t have the bandwidth for it with everything that’s on my plate, but ping me anyway because at the end of the day it’s on my radar and I don’t want to be thrown under the bus because I didn’t circle back around on this no-brainer.

At first, euphemisms surfaced in the workplace to help people deal with touchy subjects that were difficult to talk about. Before long, they morphed into corporate buzzwords that expanded and took over our vocabulary until our everyday conversations started sounding like they’re taking place on another planet:

Listen Ray, I don’t have the bandwidth for it with everything that’s on my plate, but ping me anyway because at the end of the day it’s on my radar and I don’t want to be thrown under the bus because I didn’t circle back around on this no-brainer.

I understand the temptation. These phrases are spicy and they make you feel clever (low hanging fruit is a crutch of mine), but they also annoy the hell out of people.

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If you think that you can use these phrases without consequence, you’re kidding yourself. Just pay close attention to how other people react to your using them, and you’ll see that these phrases don’t cast you in a favorable light.

After all, TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence of more than a million people and one of the biggest need areas for most people is social awareness. Most of us are so focused on what we’re saying and what we’re going to say next that we lose sight of how our words affect other people.

So give this list a read, think of how often you use some of these words and see if you can catch yourself before you use them again.

Have some fun with it, because at the end of the day if you don’t hit the ground running you can always go back to the drawing board and get the ball rolling…

Hit the ground running
Get the ball rolling
Low hanging fruit
Thrown under the bus
Think outside the box
Let’s touch base
Get my manager’s blessing
It’s on my radar
Ping me
I don’t have the bandwidth
No brainer
Par for the course
Bang for your buck
Synergy
Move the goal post
Apples to apples
Win-win
Circle back around
All hands on deck
Take this offline
Drill-down
Elephant in the room
On my plate
At the end of the day
Back to the drawing board

What phrases are your pet peeves? Please share them in the comments section below.

It’ll also be fun to read the ridiculous sentences you can come up with using words from the list above (write them in the comments). I’ll send an autographed copy of my book,Emotional Intelligence 2.0, to whoever comes up with the phrase that makes me laugh the hardest.

Because, after all, I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

Forbes.com | July 28, 2015 | Travis Bradberry

#Leadership : How To Answer Nasty, Scathing Emails…This Type of Email is Known in Cyberspace as “Flaming,” & All such Messages have a Single Thing in Common—A Complete & Utter Lack of Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

June 23, 2015/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

We’ve All Been on the Receiving End of a Scathing Email, as well as its mysterious, vaguely insulting cousins. You know the messages I’m referring to. They don’t need exclamation points or all caps to teem with anger and drip with sarcasm.

Dressing someone down via email is tempting because it’s easy—you have plenty of time to dream up daggers that strike straight to the heart, and you lack the inhibition that’s present when the recipient is staring you in the face.

This type of email is known in cyberspace as “flaming,” and all such messages have a single thing in common—a complete and utter lack of emotional intelligence (EQ).

A recent survey (sponsored by communications device manufacturerPlantronics ) found that 83% of today’s workforce considers email to be more critical to their success than any other form of communication.

Email has been around long enough that you’d think that we’d all be pros at using it to communicate effectively. But we’re human and—if you think about it—we haven’t mastered face-to-face communication either.

The bottom line is that we could all use a little help. The five strategies that follow are proven methods for keeping your emotions within reason, so that you don’t hit “send” while your emails, tweets, comments, and virtual chime-ins are still flaming.

1. Follow Honest Abe’s First Rule Of Netiquette

I know what you’re thinking: How could someone who died more than a century before the internet existed teach us about email etiquette?

Well, in Lincoln’s younger years, he had a bad habit of applying his legendary wit when writing insulting letters to, and about, his political rivals. But after one particularly scathing letter led a rival to challenge Lincoln to a duel, Lincoln learned a valuable lesson—words impact the receiver in ways that the sender can’t completely fathom.

By the time he died, Lincoln had amassed stacks of flaming letters that verbally shredded his rivals and subordinates for their bone-headed mistakes. However, Lincoln never sent them. He vented his frustration on paper, and then stuffed that sheet away in a drawer. The following day, the full intensity of his emotions having subsided, Lincoln wrote and sent a much more congenial and conciliatory letter.

We can all benefit from learning to do the same with email. Your emotions are a valid representation of how you feel—no matter how intense— but that doesn’t mean that acting on them in the moment serves you well. Go ahead and vent—tap out your anger and frustration on the keyboard. Save the draft and come back to it later when you’ve cooled down. By then you’ll be rational enough to edit the message and pare down the parts that burn, or—even better—rewrite the kind of message that you want to be remembered by.

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2. Know The Limits Of Virtual Humor

Some people show their displeasure with words typed in ALL CAPS and a barrage of exclamation points. Others, however, express dissatisfaction more subtly with sarcasm and satire. The latter is no less of a breakdown in the core EQ skill of self-management, and it can be even more dangerous because it’s harder to detect when you’re doing it. The sender can always convince him or herself that the spite was just a little joke.

While a little good-natured ribbing can sometimes help lighten face-to-face interaction—interaction with an arsenal of facial expressions and voice inflections to help you to convey the right tone—it’s almost never a good idea to have a laugh at someone else’s expense online.

Online your message can too easily be misinterpreted without your body language to help to explain it, and you won’t be there to soften the blow when your joke doesn’t go over as intended. In the virtual world, it’s best to err on the side of friendliness and professionalism. For those times when you absolutely cannot resist using humor, just make sure that you are the butt of the joke.

3. Remember That People Online Are Still People

While entranced by the warm glow of a computer monitor, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that a living, breathing human being will end up reading your message. Psychologist John Suler of Rider University has found that people who are communicating online experience a “disinhibition effect.” Without the real-time feedback between sender and receiver that takes place in face-to-face and telecommunication, we simply don’t worry as much about offending people online.

We don’t have to experience the discomfort of watching someone else grow confused, despondent, or angry because of something that we said. When these natural consequences are delayed, we tend to spill onto the screen whatever happens to be on our mind.

Averting such messages requires you to be intentional in applying your social awareness skills. Without being able to physically see the other person’s body language or hear the tone of his/her voice, you must picture the recipient in your mind and imagine what (s)he might feel when reading your message as it’s been written.

In fact, the next time you receive a curt or outright rude email, put the brakes on before firing back a retort. Taking the time to imagine the sender and considering where he/she is coming from is often enough to extinguish the flames before they get out of control.

Could the sender have misinterpreted a previous message that you sent to him/her? Could (s)he just be having a bad day? Is (s)he under a lot of pressure? Even when the other party is in the wrong, spending a moment on the other side of the monitor will give you the perspective that you need to avoid further escalating the situation.

4. Know How The Internet Feels

Emoticons have a mixed reputation in the business world. Some people and even organizations believe that smiley faces, winks and other symbols of digital emotion are unprofessional, undignified, and have no place outside of a high school hallway.

When used properly, however, a Dutch research team has shown that emoticons can effectively enhance the desired tone of a message. The team led by Daantje Derks at the Open University of the Netherlands concluded that “to a large extent, emoticons serve the same functions as actual nonverbal behavior.” Considering that nonverbal behavior accounts for between 70 and 90% of a message when communicating face to face, it’s time to ditch the stigma attached to emoticons in the business setting.

For those leery of dropping a smiley face into your next email, I’m not suggesting that you smile, wink, and frown your way through every email you write. Just don’t be afraid to peck out a quick the next time you want to be certain that the recipient is aware of your tongue planted firmly in cheek.

5. Know When Online Chats Need To Become Offline Discussions

Managing online relationships will always be a somewhat difficult task for people built to communicate in person. However, managing critical email conversations is even more difficult for those programmed to communicate via email. Significant, lengthy, and heated email exchanges are almost always better taken offline and finished in person.

With so much communication via email these days, it can be hard to pull the trigger and initiate a face-to-face conversation when you sense that an online interaction is becoming too heated or simply too difficult to do well online. Online technologies have become enormously useful for increasing the speed and efficiency of communication, but they have a long way to go before they become the primary source for creating and maintaining quality human relationships.

Bringing It All Together
Email is a challenging way to communicate strong emotions, and we could all use a little help.

Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

Forbes.com | June 23, 2015 | Travis Bradberry

#Leadership: 5 Secrets to Mastering Conflict…How you Handle Conflict Determines the Amount of Trust, Respect, & Connection you Have With your #Employees & Colleagues.

June 17, 2015/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Conflict Typically Boils Down to Crucial Conversations–Moments When the Stakes are High, Emotions Run Strong, & Opinions Differ. And you Cannot Master Crucial Conversations Without a High Degree of Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

IMAGE: Getty Images

Between the two of us, Joseph Grenny (bio below) and I have spent 50 years studying what makes people successful at work. A persistent finding is that your ability to handle moments of conflict has a massive impact on your success.

How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect, and connection you have with your colleagues.

Conflict typically boils down to crucial conversations–moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong, and opinions differ. And you cannot master crucial conversations without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).

With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people whom TalentSmart has tested, more than 90 percent of top performers have high EQs.

So how can you use emotional intelligence to master crucial conversations? There are five common mistakes you must avoid, and five alternative strategies you can follow that will take you down the right path.

Mistake 1: Being brutally honest.

You’ve suffered in silence long enough. Your colleague continues to park so close to your car that you have to enter through the passenger door. You’ve asked her before to stop. After a dozen more violations of your request, you decide you’ve suffered long enough. Clearly, she needs to know what you think of her intentional disrespect. So you let her have it. You get right in her face and tell her what an inconsiderate jerk she is.

How to beat this? Honesty without brutality. From a young age, we’re taught to believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend–that the only options are brutality or harmony. With emotional intelligence, you can speak the truth without burning a bridge.

Have you ever noticed how some conversations–even ones about very risky subjects–go very well? And others, even ones about trivial things, can degenerate into combat? The antidote to conflict is not diluting your message. It’s creating safety. Many people think the content of the conversation is what makes people defensive, so they assume it’s best to just go for it and be brutally honest. It isn’t. People don’t get defensive because of the content–they get defensive because of the intent they perceive behind it. It isn’t the truth that hurts–it’s the malice used to deliver the truth.

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Mistake 2: Robotically sharing your feelings.

Some well-intentioned “communication” professionals suggest that when it’s time to speak up, the diplomatic way to do so is to start by sharing your feelings. For example, you tell your parking-impaired colleague, “I feel rage and disgust.” Somehow that’s supposed to help. It doesn’t. People don’t work this way. Robotically sharing your feelings only alienates, annoys, and confuses them.

How to beat this? Start with the facts. Our brains often serve us poorly during crucial conversations. To maximize cognitive efficiency, our minds store feelings and conclusions, but not the facts that created them. That’s why, when you give your colleague negative feedback and he asks for an example, you often hem and haw. You truly can’t remember. So you repeat your feelings or conclusions, but offer few helpful facts. Gathering the facts beforehand is the homework required to master crucial conversations. Before opening your mouth, think through the basic information that helped you think or feel the way you do–and prepare to share it first.

Mistake 3: Defending your position.

When someone takes an opposing view on a topic you care deeply about, the natural human response is “defense.” Our brains are hard-wired to assess for threats, but when we let feelings of being threatened hijack our behavior, things never end well. In a crucial conversation, getting defensive is a surefire path to failure.

How to beat this? Get curious. A great way to inoculate yourself against defensiveness is to develop a healthy doubt about your own certainty. Then, enter the conversation with intense curiosity about the other person’s world. Give yourself a detective’s task of discovering why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would think the way he or she does. As former Secretary of State Dean Rusk said, “The best way to persuade others is with your ears, by listening.” When others feel deeply understood, they become far more open to hearing you.

Mistake 4: Blaming others for your situation.

Your boss tells you she’ll go to bat for you for a promotion. You hear later that in the HR review she advocated for your colleague instead. You feel betrayed and angry. Certainly, your boss is the one responsible for your pain–right? Truth is, she’s not the only one.

How to beat this? Challenge your perspective. When we feel threatened, we amplify our negative emotions by blaming other people for our problems. You cannot master conflict until you recognize the role you’ve played in creating your circumstances. Your boss may have passed you over, but she did so for a reason. Half your pain is the result of her betrayal; the other half is due to your disappointment over not performing well enough to win the promotion.

Mistake 5: Worrying about the risks of speaking up.

It’s easy for crucial conversations to fill you with dread. Under the influence of such stress, your negative self-talk takes over and you obsess over all the bad things that might happen if you speak up. You conjure images of conflict, retribution, isolation, and pain until you retreat into silence.

How to beat this? Determine the risks of not speaking up. The fastest way to motivate yourself to step up to difficult conversations is to simply articulate the costs of not speaking up. VitalSmarts‘ research shows that those who consistently speak up aren’t necessarily more courageous; they’re simply more accurate. First, they scrupulously review what is likely to happen if they fail to speak up. Second, they ponder what might happen if they speak up and things go well. And finally (the order is important) they consider what may happen if the conversation goes poorly. Once they have an accurate understanding of the possibilities, saying something is their typical choice.

Bringing it all together.

The only way to win an argument is to never have one in the first place. Successful people know this–they don’t avoid conflict because they can do something productive with it before things get out of hand. Apply these strategies the next time you’re facing a challenging situation and you’ll be amazed by the results.

Please share your thoughts on conflict in the comments section below, as we learn just as much from you as you do from us.

A big thanks to Joseph Grenny for co-authoring this article with me. Joseph is a four-time New York Times best-selling author, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for business performance at VitalSmarts.

Inc. com | June 16, 2015 |

BY TRAVIS BRADBERRY

Author, ‘Emotional Intelligence 2.0’