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#Leadership : What To Do When You Catch A Liar…Research Shows we Can only Spot a Liar 53% of the Time. Learn How to Handle that Tricky Moment When you Catch a Liar in the Act.

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It’s a hard fact to accept, but your friends and coworkers lie to you regularly. The real challenge lies in how you respond once you catch someone in the act.

Fear

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

Even though most people lie a lot–roughly two to three times during a ten-minute conversation, studies show–you don’t catch them nearly as often as you might think. Researchers from the University of California analyzed the results of 253 studies and found that we only spot about half the lies we’re told (53% to be exact). In other words, we’re about as likely to identify a lie as we are to win a coin toss.

The scary thing is that people who are trained in detecting deception–judges, customs agents, law enforcement officers, and even CIA agents–don’t fare much better. They can only spot a lie about 60% of the time.

When you do catch someone lying to you, it’s usually a real whopper. These are the kinds of lies that are so insulting to be the recipient that it’s hard to think straight. In these moments, you want to keep the conversation constructive, without letting the liar off the hook, which is a difficult thing to pull off.

 

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And what about the times when you have a nagging sense that you’re being lied to but aren’t certain and don’t want to come across as paranoid or accusatory? While too much skepticism is never healthy, a small dose can be a very good thing, especially since we’re so poor at recognizing lies.

The question always becomes, what do you do with a lie? If you think someone is lying to you, do you call them on it? Do you tell someone else? Or do you just go along to get along?

There are actually several things you can do, and the right one, or the right combination, depends on the situation.

First, make certain you understand the rules. Before you decide what course of action to take, check the employee handbook and consider the recent history of similar situations. If you’re going to call someone out, you need to know what you’re getting yourself and the liar into. Know the severity of the consequences for lying, and make certain you follow proper protocol for addressing it, or the entire thing could backfire on you.

Option #1: Do nothing.

Nobody likes being lied to, and the natural reaction is to call the liar out, but that’s not always the smartest thing to do, especially at work. Before you do anything, ask yourself, ‘What’s at stake besides my ego?’ Carefully weigh the pros and cons before you take action. Consider who, if anyone, should know about the lie and the implications it has for the company. Sometimes, the animosity you avoid by staying silent is worth more than the satisfaction you receive from speaking out. Other times, the lie is serious enough that people have to know.

Option #2: Deflect with humor.

Some lies are too big to ignore completely, yet too small to make a big deal out of. When this happens, you can always make a joke of it. Playful comments that acknowledge the lie will usually do the trick. Whether it’s “Hey, I think I just saw your nose grow a little bit” or “I need to get my prescription checked. When I looked at the scorecard, it said you shot 112,” this strategy gives the liar a chance to admit their slip-up without fear of reprisal. The key to making this tactic work is to give the impression that the other person was kidding around or intentionally exaggerating and never expected to be believed.

Option #3: Play dumb.

Another way to let someone save face–and this is particularly appropriate for group settings–is to play dumb. Pretend you suddenly suffered a memory lapse or are confused about the facts. Ask lots of follow-up questions. The more details you request, the more likely it is that the truth will come out. Drawing it out gives the liar a chance to admit that they “misspoke” and correct themselves without being called a liar.

Option #4: Call them on it.

In situations where doing nothing isn’t a good option, you can always call the liar out. You just need to think carefully about the best way to do this, and impulsively bashing them is never a smart move. You may choose to have a conversation with the liar in private or with others whom the lie affects. In either case, it’s important you have evidence that backs up your claim, or you very well may be called a liar yourself. Just make certain you are honest and direct with the person who lied. Don’t go to others with the lie when you know it’s better handled privately between you and the liar.

There are many times when reporting a lie is the right thing to do, both ethically and practically. Sometimes, not reporting a lie can cost you your job. However, there are a few things you need to think about before you take that step. First, question your motives. Are you thinking of telling someone about the lie out of concern that either another employee or the company could be harmed, or are you just mad? If it’s the latter, you run the risk of making yourself look petty; if it’s the former, stick to the facts. Don’t offer any hypotheses about why the person may be lying because that’s just supposition on your part. Stick to what the person said, what the truth is, and any proof you have collected.

Not optional: Protect yourself. Whether you decide to call a lie or to let it go, once you know you’re dealing with a liar, it’s critical to take steps to protect yourself. One way to do that is to have a witness attest to what the liar said. Failing this, interact with the liar via email or text, both of which create a written record. Though if you’re dealing with a particularly savvy liar, they’re not going to commit to anything in writing. In that case, document the conversation yourself: who, what, when, where, etc., and cap it off by sending your lying colleague an e-mail summarizing the conversation. That’s not as good as having proof in the other person’s words, but at least you’ll be able to make the argument that your colleague had the opportunity to correct you.

Bringing It All Together

Some people tell infrequent lies to make themselves look good or to protect themselves. Others are pros. They’ve been doing it their whole careers, they’re good at it, and they’ve learned how to avoid getting caught. That’s why there’s no single solution that works in every situation. The best thing to do is to carefully consider your options, thinking through the pros and cons of each course of action.

How do you handle liars? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
PUBLISHED ON: MAY 25, 2016
Inc.com |

BY TRAVIS BRADBERRY

Author, ‘Emotional Intelligence 2.0’

#Strategy : The 5 Best Ways to Say ‘No’ to Your Co-workers…If you’re Constantly Shifting your Schedule to Accommodate a New Project, or you’re Picking up the Slack for another Co-Worker on a Frequent Basis, your Own Work will Suffer.

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You have to say ‘yes’ to a lot of things throughout your day. You answer emails and questions, get roped into mandatory meetings, and need to pick up projects at the last minute in order to meet company deadlines. In some cases, you won’t have a choice about those new tasks that get added to your already-full plate. And in almost every situation, it feels easier to say yes and pick up another assignment rather than risk upsetting a colleague, boss, or people who depend on you. But saying yes too often — or every time — has negative effects, too.

front and back woman hands showing thumbs up and down (isolated on white background)

If you’re constantly shifting your schedule to accommodate a new project, or you’re picking up the slack for another co-worker on a frequent basis, your own work will suffer. You might think that it’s showing you can be a team player, or that it’s just a one-time occurrence that won’t happen again. But habits are rooted in repeated events, and you can be sure that if you’re in the habit of saying yes too much, that eventually you’ll wonder where all your time went.

When you say no once, you’re more likely to say yes to the next request — especially if it’s from that same person. Be careful not to fall into that trap if the second question also doesn’t line up with your goals. “They feel so guilty about saying ‘no,’ they feel they need to salvage the relationship,” Vanessa Bohns, assistant professor of management sciences at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada told the Wall Street Journal.

If you want to prevent this, or if you’re already at that point and need to get out of the cycle, there are effective ways to say ‘no’ without damaging your workplace relationships, while also establishing clear boundaries for yourself. In some cases, those boundaries are good to let others know where you stand, but more often than not they’re the most beneficial to helping you see where your priorities lie. It makes you more productive and ensures that when you do say yes to a new project, you won’t be burnt out and will be able to give it your full attention. Here’s a list of five tips you can use as a starting point, and adapt for the situations where you need to turn down a request.

1. Frame every task through your overall goals

Before you can even assess individual requests, you need to know what your overall goals are. In the case of the workplace, figure out what your long-term vision is while you have your position. Is your goal to get promoted quickly? Do you want to complete a certain project that’s going to take most of your concentration for the next month? If your goal is to get promoted, you might take on a few extra projects, even if they are more taxing, in order to make a good impression with those above you. But if you’ve set your sights on that one particular project, you might be less inclined to break your concentration, and leave the ‘yes’ work to when it’s complete.

“A ‘goal first’ approach is about defining your vision. Because if you do not have a vision, it will be difficult to understand what major requests are aligned with your goals and your direction and need your attention longer term,” writes Brian de Haff, CEO of software company Aha!, in a post on LinkedIn.

It also allows you to make better informed decisions about what times throughout your day you need to reserve for reaching those goals. Jocelyn K. Glei, the editor in chief and director of 99U, calls this “focus blocking.” To reach goals for that day, week, or month, you proactively block out chunks of time (Glei suggests 90 to 180 minutes each, so you have enough time to settle and focus on those tasks). That keeps other people, and yourself, from interrupting that time for less-important causes.

 

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2. Show you’ve listened to the request

You might decide within the first few seconds of a co-worker approaching that you don’t have time to help them with whatever they’re about to ask. That’s perfectly fine, and probably healthy for you to recognize. But if you want to maintain a positive work environment, respecting your colleague is more important than honoring the question itself. In other words, hear them out.

“If someone asks you to do something or for something, you should assume that it is important to them for one reason or another. They likely would not ask you otherwise. It’s your responsibility to get to the heart of the request and why it matters,” de Haaff writes.

If you listen intently, de Haff explains, you’ll be able to fully absorb the question and make sure you’re understanding what the other person is asking. That way, you can stand by any decision you might make to say no. The added benefit to not cutting someone off mid-question is that you’re showing you respect the person enough to at least consider what they’re requesting.

3. Don’t drag your feet to answer

You might decide within the first few seconds of a co-worker approaching that you don’t have time to help them with whatever they’re about to ask. That’s perfectly fine, and probably healthy for you to recognize. But if you want to maintain a positive work environment, respecting your colleague is more important than honoring the question itself. In other words, hear them out.

“If someone asks you to do something or for something, you should assume that it is important to them for one reason or another. They likely would not ask you otherwise. It’s your responsibility to get to the heart of the request and why it matters,” de Haaff writes.

If you listen intently, de Haff explains, you’ll be able to fully absorb the question and make sure you’re understanding what the other person is asking. That way, you can stand by any decision you might make to say no. The added benefit to not cutting someone off mid-question is that you’re showing you respect the person enough to at least consider what they’re requesting.

3. Don’t drag your feet to answer

Actually saying no — answering the “what” — can be the most difficult part. But answering the “why” sets up a transparency that makes it easier for others to understand your motivations for rejecting what they’ve asked you to help with. This is more than just being nice, as it allows the other person to understand your reasoning and perhaps even affect what they ask you for in the future.

“The benefit to you is that if you share your assumptions and motivations and they are wrong — the other person will have a chance to help you see a better way. If you simply provide your answer and when pushed respond with ‘My mind’s made up’, you will avoid ever having to change your course, but you’re limiting your opportunity for growth,” de Haaff writes on LinkedIn.

While you’re explaining why you’ve said no, however, don’t fall into the trap of offering to help with that same issue another time, unless you actually mean it. “Don’t add something like, ‘Well, maybe next year,’ to soften the blow,” Lesley Ronson Brown told The Wall Street Journal. “The person on the other end of the phone has just thought, ‘Gotcha. For next year.’ ”

If you do want to soften the blow a little bit, try the “sandwich” method of putting your rejection in between other more positive statements, Ni writes in the Psychology Today article. In the example of rejecting someone who wants to borrow your car, it could look something like this: “I understand you need a car this weekend. Unfortunately, I’m really not comfortable lending my car. Hope you can find another arrangement.”

5. Set up good habits for long-term success

If you’re able to get through a few rounds of saying no, which might seem incredibly awkward to you at first, it will set you up to have healthy boundaries. That way, you can look back on the things you were able to accomplish instead of a mess of half-hearted commitments. Matt Ehrlichman, founder and CEO of the startup Porch, wrote in an article for Inc. that saying no to spontaneous requests, as well as new projects, are often key. Ehrlichman has startups in mind especially, but the same holds true in any job you have.

“Steve Jobs once stated that, ‘Focusing isn’t about saying yes, focusing is about saying no.’ It means that great accomplishments can often be measured by the large list of things you didn’t do instead of the ones you did,” Ehrlichman explained.

One last thing to be aware of: When you say no once, you’re more likely to say yes to the next request — especially if it’s from that same person. Be careful not to fall into that trap if the second question also doesn’t line up with your goals. “They feel so guilty about saying ‘no,’ they feel they need to salvage the relationship,” Vanessa Bohns, assistant professor of management sciences at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada told the Wall Street Journal.

Follow Nikelle on Twitter @Nikelle_CS

 

CheatSheet.com | April 12, 2016 | 

 

#Leadership : 9 Things That Make Good Employees Quit…Managers Tend to Blame their Turnover Problems on Everything Under the Sun, while Ignoring the Crux of the Matter: People Don’t Leave Jobs; they Leave Managers.

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It’s pretty incredible how often you hear managers complaining about their best employees leaving, and they really do have something to complain about—few things are as costly and disruptive as good people walking out the door.

Free- Man at Desktop

Managers tend to blame their turnover problems on everything under the sun, while ignoring the crux of the matter:

People don’t Leave Jobs; they Leave Managers.

The sad thing is that this can easily be avoided. All that’s required is a new perspective and some extra effort on the manager’s part.

First, we need to understand the nine worst things that managers do that send good people packing.

1. They Overwork People

Nothing burns good employees out quite like overworking them. It’s so tempting to work your best people hard that managers frequently fall into this trap. Overworking good employees is perplexing; it makes them feel as if they’re being punished for great performance. Overworking employees is also counterproductive. New research from Stanford shows that productivity per hour declines sharply when the workweek exceeds 50 hours, and productivity drops off so much after 55 hours that you don’t get anything out of working more.

If you must increase how much work your talented employees are doing, you’d better increase their status as well. Talented employees will take on a bigger workload, but they won’t stay if their job suffocates them in the process. Raises, promotions, and title-changes are all acceptable ways to increase workload. If you simply increase workload because people are talented, without changing a thing, they will seek another job that gives them what they deserve.

 

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2. They Don’t Recognize Contributions and Reward Good Work

It’s easy to underestimate the power of a pat on the back, especially with top performers who are intrinsically motivated. Everyone likes kudos, none more so than those who work hard and give their all. Managers need to communicate with their people to find out what makes them feel good (for some, it’s a raise; for others, it’s public recognition) and then to reward them for a job well done. With top performers, this will happen often if you’re doing it right.

If you want your best people to stay, you need to think carefully about how you treat them. While good employees are as tough as nails, their talent gives them an abundance of options. You need to make them want to work for you.

3. They Don’t Care about Their Employees

More than half of people who leave their jobs do so because of their relationship with their boss. Smart companies make certain their managers know how to balance being professional with being human. These are the bosses who celebrate an employee’s success, empathize with those going through hard times, and challenge people, even when it hurts. Bosses who fail to really care will always have high turnover rates. It’s impossible to work for someone eight-plus hours a day when they aren’t personally involved and don’t care about anything other than your production yield.

4. They Don’t Honor Their Commitments

Making promises to people places you on the fine line that lies between making them very happy and watching them walk out the door. When you uphold a commitment, you grow in the eyes of your employees because you prove yourself to be trustworthy and honorable (two very important qualities in a boss). But when you disregard your commitment, you come across as slimy, uncaring, and disrespectful. After all, if the boss doesn’t honor his or her commitments, why should everyone else?

5. They Hire and Promote the Wrong People

Good, hard-working employees want to work with like-minded professionals. When managers don’t do the hard work of hiring good people, it’s a major demotivator for those stuck working alongside them. Promoting the wrong people is even worse. When you work your tail off only to get passed over for a promotion that’s given to someone who glad-handed their way to the top, it’s a massive insult. No wonder it makes good people leave.

6. They Don’t Let People Pursue Their Passions

Talented employees are passionate. Providing opportunities for them to pursue their passions improves their productivity and job satisfaction. But many managers want people to work within a little box. These managers fear that productivity will decline if they let people expand their focus and pursue their passions. This fear is unfounded. Studies show that people who are able to pursue their passions at work experience flow, a euphoric state of mind that is five times more productive than the norm.

7. They Fail to Develop People’s Skills

When managers are asked about their inattention to employees, they try to excuse themselves, using words such as “trust,” “autonomy,” and “empowerment.” This is complete nonsense. Good managers manage, no matter how talented the employee. They pay attention and are constantly listening and giving feedback.

Management may have a beginning, but it certainly has no end. When you have a talented employee, it’s up to you to keep finding areas in which they can improve to expand their skill set. The most talented employees want feedback—more so than the less talented ones—and it’s your job to keep it coming. If you don’t, your best people will grow bored and complacent.

8. They Fail to Engage Their Creativity

The most talented employees seek to improve everything they touch. If you take away their ability to change and improve things because you’re only comfortable with the status quo, this makes them hate their jobs. Caging up this innate desire to create not only limits them, it limits you.

9. They Fail to Challenge People Intellectually

Great bosses challenge their employees to accomplish things that seem inconceivable at first. Instead of setting mundane, incremental goals, they set lofty goals that push people out of their comfort zones. Then, good managers do everything in their power to help them succeed. When talented and intelligent people find themselves doing things that are too easy or boring, they seek other jobs that will challenge their intellects.

Bringing It All Together

If you want your best people to stay, you need to think carefully about how you treat them. While good employees are as tough as nails, their talent gives them an abundance of options. You need to make them want to work for you.

What other mistakes cause great employees to leave? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

 

Forbes.com | February 23, 2016 | Travis Bradberry